Happiness is such a funny concept. In these lives we lead, we are all just chasing this idea of happiness. We are all constantly searching for the meaning in our lives. Think about how many times a day between Pinterest, BuzzFeed, Facebook, or email do you see something like, "10 easy ways to be happy!" There is even a website called "Happify" that suggests you can increase your levels of Happy by reading specific articles and playing targeted games they refer to as Tracks. I am definitely a skeptic as far as this movement goes. Happiness isn't really a calculable number - measured with 'happy points.' I have realized over the course of the last year that I haven't been "happy" in a long time.
I don't remember when it happened and I'm sure it happened gradually but I got stuck inside of my head and haven't been able to escape. Don't get me wrong I live in here a lot, I always have. I am very comfortable with the hermit lifestyle, I typically don't feel 'lonely' when I'm alone. I do enjoy doing 'group' things and get me on the right subject and I'll talk your ears off, but being comfortable doing things by myself became a trap - a default of escape.
I've realized recently that more and more I am stuck in this pool of mud. I inherited the worry gene from my grandmother and I often find myself getting wound up in the what-ifs of life. It is all too easy to become frozen - to be unhappy with the current situation, but be crippled by the fear of the unknown. Though you're unhappy, it has become comfortable or easy. This year I'm standing up against this fear and making definitive moves toward making myself happy.
Depression is one of the least clear cut of all of the 'afflictions', the Mayo Clinic defines it as: a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. If I were to pin down how I have felt over the last year, it would live in this world of depression. I have had glimpses of happiness and joy, but it's been a while since I have had an ear to ear grin, a truly happy moment of sheer joy. I started swimming on a schedule again this past January which gave me some of a schedule and exercise goes a long way to knocking off the cobwebs. Being in the water is like shedding a second skin, we are surrounding my technology for every waking moment of our day and we start to carry it around with us in our heads, it's like a shroud.
Participating in ALC last year was an eye opening experience for me - as I'm thinking about it now, it had been since graduating that I had a 'community.' When I was at Purdue I had the outing club - a group of like minded people that loved the outdoors and inspired each other to do awesome things. Then when I left school I had the folks at the Whitewater Center - group of like minded people that unabashedly loved kayaking. As I stopped working there I lost connection with this community and many of the core within that community had moved on as well. I am realizing now, that since then I haven't had a community and part of this feeling of being 'lost' could be linked to that. Participating in ALC in 2014 was such a welcoming community that I knew I was hooked. I participated again this past June and when I returned - I once again wanted move to California. The state is beautiful, the biking abounds, and I've fallen in love with the people I've met through ALC.
Being here in Charlotte the best way I can think to describe it, is that I've felt trapped. Each year my 'community' has gotten smaller, the group of folks I hang out with has dwindled down to nothing. I became scared that I pigeon holed myself in the job I had now and feelings of wanting "out" became ever present. This year when I got back from ALC, more so than ever I'd felt like I was leaving home. All of these folks I've come to know over the years are on the wrong side of the country and the FOMO was strong. I decided that this year I wasn't going to just say it again, this time I was going to make the move. And here we are, I gave my bosses official word that I am moving come this December. I'm not running away, more so running towards - I'm running towards what is drawing me and I can see myself living in San Francisco.
I'm a planner and I've been a little worried about all that needs to be done in order for me to move. I'm getting rid of A LOT of stuff and that itself is freeing. Once you decide to start getting rid of 'things' it becomes easier. It's akin to ripping off a band-aid and then it somewhat takes hold of you. I find myself looking at my 'things' in a new way - it is no longer the stuff that surrounds me, but I find myself questioning its value. I have been in Charlotte a little over 3 years and living in the same apartment for most of that time and when you aren't moving every semester you stop examining the belongings you have. It's exciting to shed this skin that I have been building up around me the last 3 years and start fresh.
There are a lot of unknowns in front of me right now, but it's time. I've overstayed my welcome in Charlotte and I'm ready for change. In the mean time I need to work on seeking out the kernels of 'happy' in my life and holding onto them. Because Happiness it's a strange concept and it is definitely not inherent. You have to strive for it, work at it and constantly refocus to swim through the muck toward the light.
